Its been a while since I last posted, if nothing else then in terms of what I want to do with my life. Although the civil services remains a huge option (on 360/365 days call it the aim today's one of the other 65), I thought today what is wrong with a nice cushy job at a firm, maybe do an MBA work at a bank, get married to a nice girl from Delhi (sorry other cities but Delhi's the only city with women worth calling women (not looking at you J&K/Haryana)). I mean seriously I'd have enough money to prosper if not live long who knows maybe buy a nice care with 4 rings or a 3 point star or maybe even a turning rotor.
I see no cons, apart from the tiny detail of selling your life off and working your whole life to make someone else money, but seriously what's wrong with that I mean as long as I get my cut right? Do my altruistic tendencies come at too high a personal cost? Then again is personal cost a cost worth counting in the face of the greater good?
I dont know I like to think it's because I'm human but I find myself wondering too often why should I be the one to sacrifice? Why me? And then as if the Universe knows what I'm thinking I'll read some story about deplorable corruption or of the general suffering in society.
Although I do not have any conclusions to this I really don't and honestly will take it as I feel like, I've planned precious little in my life till date and am not really about to start now (considering I'm doing not so bad now I'd say it works, and why fix it if it isn't broken eh?)
Truth I think is I'm not really looking for Money or cars or wealth nor am I looking for the greater good or bringing order in this anarchy we call society, and I think my motives in helping the poor are in themselves are too selfish to be called altruism really.
Epiphanies come at the oddest of moments, that's why they're epiphanies and not thoughts :P. Today I got one watching Aisha, what I think I'm looking for is none of the above I just want love, someone who loves me, a beautiful woman I can come home to, who'll sit with me till the end of my days irrespective of what I do or how much I have but because she loves me because she still feels the way about me she did the day we first met. I know there are plenty of haters and nay-sayers out there who think this is some fairytale notion, who knows maybe it is but it IS my piece of heaven my "ideal" what I want. I will in the meanwhile however have to make do with either being well to do or being in the government helping people, finding my joy in that truthfully I'm happy with both.
So UPSC prep, here I come (please let there be cute IFS/IAS chicks Lord)
Argh! I'm 21 years old and I'm thinking of finding someone to die with... am I dying already?
So many questions no bloody answers...